Come & See

October 29-31, I spent a weekend in New York City with Heart’s Home. I joined the community in Brooklyn for prayer of the Divine Office, daily mass and adoration, a ‘peeling party’ (friends stop by each Saturday with the ‘bad’ veggies and fruits from the supermarkets—the community cuts off the bad part and uses the rest for their meals each week), and taking communion to the homebound in the projects.

This introduction to Heart’s Home, along with a different talk each day about the three pillars of Heart’s Home, had me feeling quite at home. I walked in the door on Friday evening and without anxiousness, a need to impress, or fear. Even before and during the interview meeting with Sister Regina and Father Paul, I was fully myself.

Several moments arose in which I felt my presence with Heart’s Home was verified. First, Kari (the other applicant visiting for the weekend) asked me if I know Anna Huybrecht from BC. I was blown away—“How do you know her? She’s one of my best friends!” Kari had met Anna on the College Summit with the Augustine Institute. Then, Kari and I pestered Sister Regina and Sister Mariana with questions. I had wondered if this community, having been founded in France in 1990, was familiar with other communities I know, also founded in France around the same time.  

So, I asked—

Do you know the Community of St. John?

--Why, yes, many of our volunteers have joined as brothers in the community.

(*I have a friend, Jami Jirsa, who joined that order of sisters several years ago)

Do you know the Community of the Beatitudes?

--Yes, Madre Rosa of the community in Lima helped us become established when we first arrived there. (*I stayed with Madre Rosa in that community for two weeks in 2007).

Is there any relationship between Heart’s Home and Communion & Liberation?

--Oh, a big one! Our founder, Father Thierry, was personal friends with Fr. Giussani! (Giussani founded CL). In each of our houses around the world, we have School of Community each week, and we read the text of Giussani (or someone else) and we discuss it (just as in SoC with CL which I attend in Madison, having met the movement at Benedictine and again in Italy!).

And then, the next morning, Sister Regina asks me,

Do you know the Little Sisters of the Lamb? (They are in Kansas City)

--I am surprised and exclaim, YES! I took my kiddos to their home in KC to help them in the garden and with some of their woodwork last summer!

(Sr. Regina then explained that she stayed with them during her time in KC for NCYC last fall!).

More connections were found out on Saturday, as I was speaking with Sr. Mariana in the kitchen helping with dishes, and discovered she spent several years in the house in Peru (she is Argentinean). I began to speak about my time at Casa Hogar in Lurín—the community also knows the Daughters of Our Lady of the Pieta—with whom I spent the summer in Huaraz with Sor Carla Harrison! They also are in Lurín, and know very well Casa Hogar and Villa Marta (Casa Hogar being the mission orphanage of my home diocese of La Crosse, and Villa Marta being another orphanage we had visited in 2004 and with which I had fallen in love, prompting my desire to return to Peru in 2007).

Saturday afternoon I joined Sister Regina to visit friends in the projects in Brooklyn (only a 10 minute walk from Heart’s Home). I remember feeling awkward out of unfamiliarity, and yet, as we prayed a Rosary as we walked, it was so comforting. I was glad to actually pray instead of listening to any sort of description to prepare me for what I would experience. I appreciated that chance to have my first impression be completely new and fresh, not stemming from gossip and history about whom the person is or what they are like.

We visited three women—One with paint peeling off the walls and flies all around, bedridden for 7 years and at age 87, wants to live until 100! She has 24 hour care in this run down, tiny apartment, with old pictures on the wall of her children and family who never visit. Another household was Edna, who has her own children, all teens now, and her sister Doris, who cares for three foster children in the same tiny apartment. Their home was clean, orderly, the kids have chores, and the mom is strict about who her kids hang out with so that they will have good influences—as good as possible—in that neighborhood so they have a future. The last woman was a tender and strong hearted elderly woman who welcomed her family into her apartment when they lost their home. She still wears lipstick and has her nails done, while suffering a heart condition that limits her activity to sitting on the plastic covered sofa in the crowded apartment.

 Walking home, Sister Regina explained how many of the volunteers have college degrees. She said it is often difficult for those who do for the work of Heart’s Home does not require a degree and specialty in a field of knowledge gleaned from textbooks and exams. It simply requires love and recognition of a person.

I see that as the most difficult test—and the most elementary for myself to be fully human.

The end of the weekend came with a conclusion that I have been accepted by Heart’s Home! I took the two weeks to confirm it for myself and sent in the commitment form. I will attend training in February for two weeks. Then, I will depart for my country of mission in March!

The Love Test: for a Ph.D

In reference to Rev. Thierry's quote from my last post, I really believe I am preparing for gigantic "love test" right now! 

As people ask me what the mission is of Heart's Home (which is still un-officially my organization), I tell them, perhaps too simply, that the volunteers live amongst the poor to be a presence of Christ. It sounds so simple one person responded lightly, "Wow, so you get to basically hang out with people and have fun in another country for a couple years!"

It sounds that simple, yet it is an overwhelming task! What does it mean to love someone? As Christ loves? 

"Love is indeed 'ecstasy'...as a journey, an ongoing exodus 

out of the closed inward-looking self 

towards its liberation through self-giving and thus 

towards authentic self-discovery and indeed the discovery of God." 

Encyclical Letter: Deus Caritas Est, 

by Pope Benedict XVI (emphasis added). 

This is love in any vocation, as lived in any state of life! In love between a man and a woman, in love between parent and child, love between friends, love among family... In order to love, one must remove all pride! Self-giving, self-discovery, a movement out of my own needs and desires--this is where I find my freedom! Liberty is found in giving.

This may seem elementary and redundant to you, but I am learning things I thought I knew all over again.

I am at times overwhelmed by what I am called to do. I don't know if I can!!! To love strangers and the poor as Christ is HARD! And yet, it seems so much easier to love the stranger and the poor person than it is to love my family and those closer to me. Why must I go overseas to love people? Why can't I stay here? There are plenty of people to love! I know there are plenty of lonely people--even in rich suburbs!  I have a hard enough time loving everyone I pass today--why must I travel to love the foreign strangers!? Yes, I have the desire to do so. But I don't understand it. 

Rev. Thierry explains the mission of the volunteers like this, which strikes at the core of my deepest desires:

"There, you understand, you can not calculate. You do not save for re­tirement. You do not wonder whether it will be possible or not to go skiing. You do not look at your neighbours to see if you are richer than them. You do not give what you have in excess. You give your essentials and you mysteriously know that giving it over to the one who is knocking at the door is giving it to Christ Himself. You give your time : someone has a few bricks to build his house and there come all the district to work at it. And, of course, you know it well enough, it is not heaven but you will learn how to open your eyes. to those behaviours which will move you to the deepest and proclaim the Gospel to you so strongly…

...Suddenly our eyes stopped on a child whose face was completely distorted, whose arms and legs were extremely thin. He was holding the spoon in his hand and with a moving tenderness was feeding his neighbour who was even more affected than him. His behaviour paralysed us with emo­tion and caused tears in our eyes.

The poor helps the poor. The poor washes the poor’s feet. You will be asked that only : to kneel down, to comfort distressed hearts, to wash diseased bodies, to sit up at the dying child next to you. And you will never say : “I will do it tomorrow!” Caritas urget vos : char­ity can not allow us any rest and will never do until the end. It is to­day! It is now! It is at once that we must love as much as to give ourselves over! It is as urgent as a blood transfusion in an emptying body."

My goal is to learn how to love. 

I want a Ph.D. in love. 

Face of a Child

Throughout my time in Madtown (Madison), I have had quite a bit of time on my hands. I am taking in a plethora of ideas and observations, between my time with my nephews (and god-sons!), travels to visit family and friends on the weekends, tutoring, time with St. Paul's ministry, and Monday School of Community.

Initially, I wanted my time here to be a period of preparation and discernment, as well as formation of myself. Yes, I am applying and interviewing with programs to go overseas. (I leave next Friday for my "Come & See"/Interview weekend with Heart's Home in Brooklyn.) But I know that I must prepare myself for that work.

I have been reading the writings of the founder of Heart's Home, Rev. Thierry de Roucy, on-line. I find myself struck to the heart by what he writes to the first volunteers in 1991. He is speaking to the volunteers prior to their departure, describing the children he has seen--those whom will be served by these volunteers. The cries of the children, who have been beaten bloody by their drunken mother, the face of the boy filling a basket with paper from garbage heaps, a 14 year old girl pan handling for money as her undernourished body holds her unborn baby... Rev. Thierry goes on,

"That face, that look, that belly, that cry, dear est Missionaries, have not left you un con cerned… They have dis­tressed you deeply... And then you leave be hind your current nets and fishes and the day after you will get in to the plane which will take you among them.
These chil dren are ask ing you to come to them. You know it well, you who have heard their tragic call and their desperate si lence… But most of all, the se children are ask ing you to come to God. Forgetting it would be like reducing to nothing the vocation which is yours from now on. These children are the spring board lead ing you to a true conversion and which, once again, will turn you in to the very benefi­ciaries where as in the eyes of the world you will be tak en for un lucky debtors. I have nothing to wish you but to retain every thing from their teaching. Yet they do not train for the baccalaureate nor for any certification. They train for the love test, they open the doors to the heavenly Kingdom: “If you do not be come like this child…”"


My nephews, as babies who as of yet know nothing and are quite useless, are incredible teachers of love. I gaze--literally gaze-- at them. In the morning, when I first come downstairs on my way to brush my teeth, I cannot help but stop to gaze at their faces. To hold them and look into their eyes, so unassuming, smiling with purity and love... I look at them and all barriers fall. So I ponder, Christ, our Creator!, entered the world as such: unassuming, pure, weak, and completely dependent upon others. 


How queer it is... I never have understood that as I do now! The face of a child...The innocence. It is incredible to think of my Father as such! Such is my present encounter with the Face of Christ and His Love!

A Taste of Wisconsin

I have just returned from a weekend adventure... Since yesterday, I have felt compelled to write about my experience--only because I experienced such beauty! Thus, I share it with you!

[Increased reading pleasure guaranteed if you can read this in a Northern Wisconsin accent!]

Thursday evening I drove from Madison to Tomahawk to visit my dear friend, Anna, from college. We had finally found a weekend where we both could get together to catch up! I arrived for a tour and then we sat with cups of peppermint tea in her cozy cottege-esque abode, catching up a bit before going to bed. Around 10:30, her landlord, Mike comes over to see if we are joining his biker group for Friday's ride...

Tomahawk, WI is where the Harley Davidson factory is. There is an annual "Fall Ride" festival in town, where over 40,000 bikers generally show up to ride for the day, have booths set up, and there is a 'parade' of bikes for 18-20 miles throughout the town of 4,000 people.

Mike and his biker group were going on a ride on Friday, and had invited Anna and I to ride along! We debated... and going to bed, we decided to go on an adventure--with NO idea what to expect or where we were going!

Friday was cloudy, dreary, and wet--in the morning. The rain cleared, although the clouds lingered overhead all day. Anna and I had borrowed some Harley gear to fit in and be warm. All geared up in boots, jeans, and layers under our smokin' Harley leather jackets and gloves, we were all set. Anna hopped on with Mike, and I rode with Brian.

We rode into town to pick up Nancy, Brian's wife, and the rest of the biker group. About 12 or 13 bikes were in the group. We rode out of town on the country roads...

Similar to my ride into Tomahawk the night before, the scenery was out of this world. This was the third time I've ever been on a motorcycle: 1st, my brother gave me a ride to the bus stop when I was in like middle school. 2nd, a friend at a party in Middle Ridge, WI took me on a moonlit loop in the country for about 30 minutes when I was in high school. And now... I was on the bike in daylight, sitting back and enjoying the sound of the bike, the feel of the motor running and the tires on the road, feeling the cool 54 degree wind on my face.

The road was flanked by trees, evergreens and deciduous, green needles next to beautiful colors of orange, yellow, gold, and reds... The gray sky above and ahead seemed to darken when passing groups of evergreens. I would look down at the road, when in my peripheral vision, something would lighten--I quickly turned my head up and saw the bright colors whizzing past, making the day seem much brighter than it was.

Within the first 15 minutes on the bike, my entire opinion of the "rough and tough" biker gangs had been dissolved. I opened my eyes for the day to learn a new world-view. I met people, heard their life stories, what they do, what they love, and why they love it. It was amazing and I garnered new opinions, new respect, for some of these strangers.

I fell in love with the feel of the air on my face and in my hair. I loved seeing everything around me, the sky above, the bottoms to the tip tops of the trees. I appreciated the unobstructed view of the land--no stains on the window and no one to tell me to keep my hands inside the car! I loved the feel of the bike moving and hearing the motor which was taking me across the world... I can totally see why people become addicted to riding. To ride a bike like that across the country seems so freeing! Much more so than a car...

Observing the beauty of the open fields and land which I passed, I couldn't help but think about the Native Americans and the first immigrants who first lived here. I was contemplating the history of this region of my roots. Although I was born in Colorado, both sides of my family have generations of roots in Wisconsin. This is really my home state. I am just realizing this and learning to appreciate where I am from! Some people seem to be born and bred with pride for their heritage and their roots. I... always want to visit the rest of the world!

Interesting, I suppose, that now as I am preparing for time overseas, I am discovering more about my home.

In any case, it was a wonderful weekend, topped off with sleeping in on Saturday, making Swedish pancakes (my FAVE!), and enjoying coffee--and ever warm chocolate chip cookies--- for breakfast, rounding out the day with a visit to a Wisconsin Winery where Anna and I sampled the entire list, had a tour, and chatted with the owners.

Brownie Batter Blizzard & Leap Year Weekend

I may finally be completing my application for Heart's Home, as I just finished watching Leap Year on my laptop and am indulging in the rest of my Brownie Batter Blizzard (it's the small things that bring joy--and motivation!).

I submitted the application for the Salesian Lay Missioners over a week ago. As their deadline is months past Heart's Home, I will put that on hold until I figure out this Numero Uno option.

Heart's Home has been on my mind since I re-encountered them last month--almost daily. I am drawn to their mission and that there is no grandeur or noble project to be completed.  I want to be a part of that simplicity. In my correspondence with past volunteers and in my conversation with Sister Regine, I feel I have a chance to encounter Christ in a more real way than ever before in my life.

Once I submit my application and receive confirmation on all of my recommendations being received, I will be able to attend a Come and See weekend. I am hoping to attend at the end of October, in Brooklyn, NY. If I am accepted and continue to discern this is the one, I hope to be ready to leave come Spring!

It's really quite crazy as I ponder all that has been going through my mind in this process. I find it so difficult to decipher what the point of this life is. That may sound really deep and cliche, but it's true!

What is the point...?

God placed us all in this place. This city or town. This nation. This planet. This family. We attended certain schools. Traveled different places. Met certain people. Earn so much money. Have specific talents and gifts.

Well, it's all for Him, right? I mean, that's what we believe as Christians. This life is lived to reach Heaven? Eternal Life with our Creator?

So, I don't get it.

Why get the degrees, the laptops, the Blizzards? Why have the cars, the iPods, the cell phones, the clothes, the things... Why do we build up these lives if in the end it is about ETERNITY?

What do these things have to do with Life Everlasting and the Creator of all things seen and unseen who is deeply and madly in love with each of us, His perfect, most wonderful and beautiful creation!?

Does it seem odd to you? I don't know... I mean, read Scripture, right? The life of Christ, whom we are to follow, was so simple. Just the clothes on your back... Walking from place to place... Eating and drinking what you stumble upon by the grace of God--or that which has been transformed by a miracle from His own hands :)

But, a lot of that was made possible by the people who have the stuff. Where would Jesus have stayed if no one had a home for Him, or food prepared, or a donkey to ride?

Soooo, it must follow that there is a point to having stuff, to living a life in the world. I just don't understand the whole idea of "to live in the world, and not be of the world".

I feel like I'm bipolar or schizophrenic at times: I love watching a movie and eating some DQ. But at the same time, a piece of me wants to quit the suburbs and move into the shacks to live with nothing.
Okay, that second part is rare. But I do feel called to go there for some time...

I will say something dangerous: Eliminating material poverty is impossible in this world. War is inevitable. Corruption will always exist. Economic disparity will always be around. Injustice has no end... in this world. I'm not saying there is no hope--there is. But humanity is broken. We all have a tendency within us to deviate from the good.

Yes, one person can indeed make a difference.
Yes, we can work in our families and communities to promote the good.
For yes, good will triumph in the end! Good can and will prevail.

But... We don't live in some movie where the evil is vanquished by Iron Man (though I do love that movie). The only movies that have that part correct are the ones depicting a super-human power being the one stomping out the evil. For it indeed takes a super-human power to do so. Humans can't.

That doesn't mean we don't work towards it--but it does mean we must acknowledge our dependence upon some-One higher than us. For without a greater power, it is impossible! As human beings, we do not have the power to change a person's heart or mind. We can't make decisions for people.

We can help to form them--go Mothers! and Fathers and Teachers and Coaches and Trustworthy friends and Honest, hard-working people with values and ethics!

If is was completely impossible whatsoever, we would have no purpose in our individual lives. Thus there is a purpose in the lives we lead.
But it seems obvious the purpose then in our lives has to do with relationships--conversations, exemplary lives, modeling behavior to young people, valuing ethics and morals.

So why don't we focus on relationships? Not just in the sense of dating. But in friendships, families, local communities... That's where a life lived well makes a difference. Even an honest businessman has a purpose in this sense. Yes, the other things and possessions could then follow--but it's the possessions that must follow a life lived well. A life lived well does not come after possessions and promotions and bragging rights to the best party or story.

But where's the line?

We all have a place in this world. We are called to help one another on the journey--for it is, indeed, a journey. A passage from one place to the next. A place to learn and grow--hopefully closer to our Creator and Lover.

I suppose at times it just seems dang mind boggling. Perhaps it is because the desire on my heart is weird and unclear at times. The desire on my heart is about people. It is about Christ within people. I want to know where Christ is relevant to a person, even a person who doesn't know or care about Christ.

I can't stand thinking of my life ending without having had a purpose--one larger than some lofty dreams of money making idea that makes my life easy; one larger than numerous letters behind my name with all sorts of accomplishments; one larger than bragging that I traveled to all seven continents. If I have any of that, I just hope I have a purpose that came before those other things.

From whence does a "purpose" come? I believe it has been designed by the One who made me. He has written something on my heart which is awakening right now as a desire to go overseas to just be a presence among the neglected. If Christ is in each person, than why shouldn't I go where He is most neglected?! That is where I WANT to be! I want to show Him joy. I want to thank Him. I want to shower Him with love. I want to feed Him, clothe Him, care for Him, give Him my life. I want to adore Him. I want to lift His frown into a smile again. I want to just be with Him.

That sounds like a pretty good "purpose" to me... At least one I can be happy and at peace with for awhile :) 
It is definitely one I look forward to this year. I'm sure this year will grant me more insight... Maybe prove me wrong. Maybe hone my outlook on the world. Maybe it will set me in a new direction. Maybe refine my philosophy on life. I'm sure it will do something to open my eyes.

This past week has been a welcome time of slowing down amidst everything this summer--deciding to leave St. Agnes, moving to Madison, leaving Kansas City, going through everything that I own in order to down-size and consolidate...

I spent last week with my sister in law to get used to the boys schedule of feedings, learning their signals (tired, hungry, wet, playful or just want to be held!), and getting settled in Madison.

Best part of the week--well, I don't do favorites, so there are a few:

1) Spending time with my brother/sister-in-law.

2) Enjoying the beautiful faces and tiny fingers and toes

and precious moments with my nephews.

3) Meeting ONE person at St. Paul's at UW-Madison!

I checked out a couple of churches nearby, my favorite so far being the campus Catholic center (St. Paul's) for UW-Madison. I went in to pray for a few, and then was in the vestibule looking at some pamphlets on the literature rack, having had prayed for God to send someone for me to talk to about St. Paul's maybe 10 minutes earlier, and a girl walked in the door. She stared, I stared, we said hello and introduced ourselves. Find out she did FOCUS for 3 years, 2 of which she spent at Madison. She just started working at St. Paul's as the head of the Grad Student-Young Professional ministry. She knows all sorts of awesome people from Kansas City that I do too! It definitely made me feel at home and welcomed! Yay for being Catholic!!!

So, in my previous post I listed 9 mission organizations I am discerning.

This past weekend, which I spent in beautiful Door County with the wonderful Anneli, provided so much direction in my discernment.

We spent Friday night near Kangaroo Lake in Bailey's Harbor. Anneli's sister worked there this summer at "Catholic Youth Expeditions".

(Check it out: http://www.cyexpeditions.org/mission.htm)

So, as Anya told us all about how it was founded, what it's mission is, shared her experiences of the summer, etc. I began to ponder things in my heart. Talking to Anneli during the drive, as well as Liz on the way up helped me begin to vocalize and thus clarify a lot of my thoughts on these different mission orgs. Saturday morning began with 30 min of Adoration, Morning Prayer from the Divine Office, and then Mass, followed by the perpetual Novena to St. Joseph for CYE and the New Evangelization... By the end, I was really contemplating the mission of Heart's Home. I watched their video on Thursday night before I left for the weekend, and I have to say, it has awakened something in my heart. A few missionaries from Heart's Home came to Benedictine College my freshman year to speak after Raven Worship one Friday night. I remember because I kept one of their bookmarks they handed out (I still have it).

THUS

I have it narrowed down to 3 organizations:

1) Salesian Lay Missioners--

http://salesianlaymissioners.org/home/

Number one is that they focus on Youth Ministry, as the Salesians were founded by Don Bosco (Sweetest YM since Christ!). So far, I admire their prayer and community life, in addition to their work with children and youth, and the commitment is 1-3 years (which appears to be you can commit to 1 and then increase it). It seems that there is no fundraising required (huge obstacle for me with the other 2 options) and the training is just a few weeks up in New York. If language school is needed, they provide it as well. I really like how this is organized, although at this point I really need to talk to someone from the org. more in depth to know for sure.

2) Lay Mission Helpers

http://www.laymissionhelpers.org/

Yikes--the most lengthy application by far! 30 personal essay questions, psychological testing, physicals, extensive health history...

I met with a married couple who just returned a month ago from 2 years of service with LMH in Cameroon. They shared pictures and stories, particularly notable being that there are young people out of college who are missionaries with LMH (the website only shows pictures of older people). This is the best one of the three as far as financial commitment, although I would have to fundraise a set amount per year of service (3 year commitment). They also give an amount upon return the States after the commitment is up for relocation expenses. The work of the missionaries is anything from hospital work to teaching to agriculture... whatever your skills allow basically. They also are integrated into the local parish and are paid by the diocese in which they lived a salary in addition to the $50 monthly stipend. LMH also provides the most in depth and lengthy training before departure, being 3 months in LA, Cali. The training is not so much about where you will be placed, but moreso focuses on yourself: what do I need to give of myself? How will I respond in different situations in a foreign country? etc... The missionaries are sent to a place near or with another missionary, and always in a place previous missionaries have been. It is not a new place for the program, so the local people are familiar with the missionaries and their work.

3) Heart's Home

http://usa.heartshome.org/ (watch the video!)

The best part about it:

The purpose of the missionary is simply to be a loving and compassionate presence to those in spiritual poverty. It is not to provide another orphanage, hospital or school. The missionaries live in community of 5, beginning each day with prayer. Then they go out 2 by 2 in their neighborhood and 1 stays home to welcome people, often kids, and provide in any way he/she can. That is what I want to do on mission overseas. Or even in the States.

The downside: I have to fundraise: mucho.

So... other aspects--awesome prayer and community base, training, great mission, commitment of 14-24 months, and they are in 'rich' countries even (i.e. USA, Italy, France, etc.).

Now I shall begin actually completing and submitting my applications. I have a phone date tomorrow with someone from Heart's Home. I am anxious to plan my travel dates to each location for their discernment weekends-

-and grateful God helped me narrow it down from 9 to 3!

Oooh Decisions!

I have a list of 9 (NINE!) mission program I would like to apply to... I do NOT want to go through all of the applications, but I don't know which ones to eliminate!

Franciscan Mission Service

Heart's Home

Salesian Lay Missioners

Maryknoll Lay Missioners

Cap Corps

Lay Mission Helpers

VIDES

Lifeteen Mission (Germany + Youth Ministry)

SOLT- Belize Mission (Teaching)

I have my list of necessities, but I am trying to remain open to where God will lead me. What that means in combination with the basic requirements for financial stability should match up, right?!

Hellos & Good-Byes

I'm not good at good-byes. I don't like them. Somehow I have grown accustomed to saying good-bye, learning that they're pretty much never forever (especially with cell phones, Skype, facebook, and email).

My job was over 10 days ago... I had just over a week to pack and say my good-byes, while working on applications. Despite not having to work, I stayed busy through the last moments in my driveway with my roommates. I have to say, through it all I didn't cry or feel much emotion at all until I said good bye to Ryan and was left alone in my driveway yesterday! Then it all hit me at once as I wondered "What have I done?!" Then I realized my job is over. I have passes the baton. I have left my lovely home in KC (with the great white lights on the screened in porch!) and my AWESOME roommates! I moved out of Kansas City--a city I LOVE and was just beginning to learn about!

I cried a little. Then I unpacked and repacked everything I own! (It took all day--most of my possessions are books.)

Now I am in Madison, learning all I need to know about caring for my nephews. As my sister in law said this afternoon, I am sure I will learn a lot as I go!

Neon signs + My heart's desire

I grew up reading Maryknoll's newsletter/magazines.

I would read the stories, but most often,

I would cut out the faces of the children and families living in poverty,

posting them on my bulletin board.

This is the furthest I can trace my desire to go overseas.

In high school and college, I traveled to Peru for short term mission trips and

I only felt at home. The children I worked with, the beauty of nature,

and of the faces of the people--the old couple who lived in Los Pinos

would offer me their banana (their whole lunch!)

as I walked down the dirt road,

full of pot holes and rocks.

I have tried for the last 3 years

to surrender my desire to be overseas. As a senior in college,

I tried to find the perfect and most logical position overseas.

I looked for ESL positions, mission work,

looked at government as well as non-profit sectors.

There are 2 ways God speaks to us

as His children to tell us what is from Him: peace and joy.

I found neither in my options.

I finally said "Okay, God! I give up.

I trust that you will show me where You want me!"

The day I moved to Kansas City--

all alone, no place to live, no job--just trust in God,

I had an interview and was hired 4 days later!

God placed me into a position at St. Agnes

and fulfilled my heart!

Working at a church on Mission Road,

with a large Hispanic population,

and in a ministry very close to my heart,

I felt from the beginning that God had indeed placed me in a mission!

It was in a conversation with my boyfriend that I was told

I needed to take action upon my desire to go overseas.

I started searching, but set it aside as it was taking away from my ministry.

Then, someone said, "Become the woman of your dreams"

... and I started thinking: I am not the woman of my dreams!

It was Ryan who said,

"I don't think you will be the woman of your dreams until you do your mission work."

Dreams are funny things when searching for God's will.

Sometimes, God asks us to surrender our dreams and turn to Him.

...other times, He confirms our dream, urging us to follow it!

For the first time, I felt peace and joy moving forward with this particular dream.

I know that it is on my heart for a purpose--

some dreams are our own creations,

while others are God-given.

I believe my dream has been written on my soul to be fulfilled and lived.

The next day, I woke up, looked at the photo of the orphanage in Peru,

and called my brother, asking if he would hire me as his nanny.

...uh,

what?

Nanny???

How does that fit in???

Ha--God is funny.

Once I had a response with details, all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together...

I lifted it in prayer for 9 days, plus gave myself a few more days to make sure.

From day one I felt sure--the doors just kept opening.

Replacement for my roommates? Check.

Place to live? Check.

Job to save money? Check.

Time for the application process? Check.

Successor for my job? Check.

Contacts in Madison? Check.

Support from my family/friends? Check.

Peace & Joy... ? CHECK!

This was as close to a 'neon sign' as God could give me!

I don't know where I am going, with whom, or for how long.

I just know I am called to go and my heart couldn't be happier.