Why have I not been changed?

I began to write this letter as I was sitting in silence, listening to the rain falling on the snow outside, a half-dead fly buzzing around in a little chapel. It is a small sanctuary, lined walls of cedar wood, a curved ceiling, lined with red carpet. Three windows look out at the open fields in the hills of upstate New York—the woods of snow-covered trees all around. This is the 12th day of my two week training/orientation with Heart’s Home. This is the property of Heart’s Home, called the International Center for a Culture of Compassion (ICCC).

On this day of silence, I was drawn to reflect on how I will be changed over the next 18 months by Christ. I had to ask the question: Why have I not been changed before? 

The answer was clear: because I have not looked at, recognized, or reflected upon my experience. I have not judged it. I have not, often enough, said, “Look! It’s Him!” I have not had the proper attitude in my heart to do so. I have been distracted by life and reality, rather than drawn in and immersed into it. I have been on the path, looking ahead, looking behind, exhausting my eyes by squinting into the distance, standing on my tip toes to see what’s coming up, and then, straining my neck around to see what I missed. It’s dizzying! It is disorienting! And so, so, exhausting. 

That is even excluding the energy and time spent leaning over into the life of the people beside me, ahead of me, behind me, comparing views and appearances. That energy and time spent saying “Focus on now” while still looking everywhere else, and then giving up on “now” as it passes me by... 

What does it mean to be honest and obedient to my experience? 

To the good, to the beautiful? To a surprise? Even to the annoyances and disappointments?

Do I ignore them?

Do I share them with everyone I know? How do I share it? With optimism, pessimism, or indifference?

How about reflecting in silence?

Quiet reflection is a sign of a greatness in a soul.

Remember the ripple effect by throwing a stone into a pond? Throw that little pebble of annoyance and pessimism and criticism... now what happens to the world around you?! It continues and goes outward, even past your vision and experience...

Quiet reflection not only allows me to see more clearly, as I allow the waves and ripples to calm, but it also allows the person next to me to choose to look into that clarity in his own life. If all we do is loudly and perpetually create more ripples, they turn to waves and interject our own presuppositions into another's line of vision for their own life!

I am grateful now, before I begin, for the commitment asked of me for daily prayer. Uniting as a community in prayer, "the slum is our cloister". More than anything, I yearn to have an experience that teaches me the value of this silence spent in prayer and adoration of God each day. This is the one thing that will heighten my daily encounters in the streets and in my community, as well as strengthen me for tomorrow.

My goal for the next 18 months is to delve into my mission 100%. When I am returning stateside, I want to look back on this as an experience to which I dedicated myself completely--no regrets. I want to be changed, to become more the woman I am created to be: a woman who has learned to live each day with that same intensity, compassion, and reflection. My loyalty to the whisper of the Holy Spirit upon my soul in silence will bring me there. 

Final Countdown: 13 days to departure!

            Being at my Mom’s for the past several weeks, I often run into people I haven’t seen in a while—maybe a couple times, if at all, in the past 6 years. An obvious question is, “Wow, it’s been a while. What are you up to these days?” I try not to shock people by my response, “Oh, I’m just home for a few weeks before I leave the country.” Ease them into it, you know? There is a lot of preparation before leaving the country for so long. Here’s a bit of what I’ve been up to…

-Selling my car… SOLD! This week, sold to a friend from high school. Loan paid off, insurance cancelled. Check.

-Packing all I own…to store in Mom’s garage for 18-ish months. There are approximately 6 boxes of books, 4 of clothes, 2 of household items, one of kitchen stuff, and a few random items in the mix.

-Canceling all medical, dental, and auto insurances, cell phone (thank God I went to monthly with Boost—no cancellation fees!), applying for student loan deferments, writing thank you’s, finalizing lists of donors, spending time with my Mom and Joy, meeting friends for coffee at a new Irish café in town (on State St. by UW-L—check it out!) and enjoying a beer with deep fried cheese curds from the bowling alley.

-Practicing my entrepreneurial skills (more on that coming) as a way to help fund my mission…Making lists and calls to build my business team, attending meetings, making business cards, and hosting grand openings in Atchison, KC and La Crosse…adds some fun to my life!

-Packing for Thailand: An umbrella (for sudden rain showers; also useful for plentiful sunshine), sunscreen (for that plentiful sunshine), chocolate, coffee, tea, coloring books… for my sisters of community and activities for the kids, books—spiritual reading, as well as a couple of light reading materials, an iPod (which requires me finding 8 GB of my 14 GB on iTunes for the next 18 months)… and figuring out what else!

     **Packing for Bangkok**—the hottest city in the world: heat-and-humidity-friendly-and-mosquito-proof-clothes. As missionaries, we live simply. We hand wash our clothes, and do not have air conditioning in our house. We are missionaries not only by how we live, but also how we dress. To be an example of modesty and purity in the heat and humidity…tough! No spaghetti straps, shorts, low cut shirts…etc. In all honesty, I don’t own a whole lot of those clothes anyways, but it is a challenge! Sister Regina, whose first mission was in Thailand, suggested two types of clothes: one set for when we go out into Bangkok—for language lessons, our day of rest, or going out for a birthday, to have skirts, nice tops, and a scarf for the air conditioned taxis. The other set for around the house and neighborhood—capri pants, t-shirts…nothing the kids will pull on!

         Thus began the search for 100% cotton clothes: thank God for Kansas City, Forever XXI, and my girlfriends! We went to the store and found some fantastic buys! Good thing it is spring and they have all their spring and summer clothing on display!

         Between what I already had, buying a few choice items, Mom giving me some of what used to be mine that she had grabbed from the ‘give to charity’ pile before it was donated away, and my darling Mary (who has little lambs…see her blog!) donating a beautiful blue skirt to my wardrobe, I think I am set for a while. Haha… Now, I never wear long dresses… People say that because I am tall I can pull it off—but I am not confident wearing them. But they are cooler, and easier than picking out a whole outfit to wear—so, driven with practicality, I purchased one.

            My favorite is to laugh when I am asked “Where are you living now?”

Since August, I’ve left Kansas City, which still feels like home, and moved to Madison, essentially living there Sunday night through Thursday afternoons—exceptions on a few weekends when I stayed in Mad-town, or spent Fridays helping my sister in law with the twins’ doctor appointments. On weekends, I visited friends and family in the Twin Cities (MN), Coon Rapids (MN), Milwaukee (WI), Tomahawk (WI), Ashland (WI), Chicago (IL), Kansas City (KS & MO), Sioux Falls (SD), Des Moines (IA), Decorah (IA), La Crosse (WI), New York City, and then traveled to sing at weddings on the weekends in Kansas City and St. James (MO).

WHEW.

            In the past 5 weeks I’ve been in Madison, Kansas City (twice), New York City/Upstate NY (two weeks), and La Crosse (two weeks)… with one more trip before I leave to Colorado as I visit my brother Kyle(!!!) in Salida, Dad and Bev in Windsor, and lovely Elizabeth in Denver. These days, I’m essentially washing and re-wearing the same small suitcase of clothes—or what I can borrow from Mom, Joy, or my roommates in KC—everything else is in boxes!

            So when people say, “Wow, Thailand. Are you excited?” I try to refrain from giving a sarcastic answer of, “No, not at all”, and instead say, in all sincerity with my best Wisconsin accent, “Hoh yea, I can’t wait to be in one place for 18 months!”