Not quite a year.

Almost exactly one year ago, something inside me was struck by a quote shared during an evening session of Totus Tuus with my kiddos at St. Agnes. The quote was directed at the teenage girls, but it stuck in my mind.
"Become the woman of your dreams, and when you look around; the man of your dreams will be there."
Not an all around great quote, and I could spend a while criticizing it. But the point is not the profundity, rather the simple truth. The first half of the quote is what got me. I wasn't so concerned about the man part (I didn't know it then, but I'm sure now it had already been taken care of).

I actually went home and when I saw Ryan, I shared with him how it hit me. I had started realizing how I am not the woman of my dreams. Who is that? I know I am infinitely loved by a Creator. I know I have been created with a purpose and with a specific role in this world--in my family, in my community, in my nation, in the world, and in the fullness of all the universe; this is my time, this is my place, as I am. But I couldn't see my role! And to know how I am unique and created to live to fulfill this??? Whew! Only in knowing my Creator, in encountering Him, will I ever know!

The secret I'm learning by this experience? He only lets us know one step at a time. He doesn't really give us the whole game plan. Sure, He lays out the guidelines and directs us, guiding our paths.
A concrete example? If I had known before I left the States how much pain would result from flying away from Ryan? I don't think I would have said Yes to this mission. Oh, maybe I'd've found the strength and grace, but that on top of the pain and notion of letting people down as I left my job and the friendships I had in KC and at St Agnes? Uhhh...
Or, had I realized the suffering in front of my face--the lonliness and suffering in my own family; or had I understood in my heart as I do now what then I knew only in my head-- that what I sought on the other side of the world in a new culture was right in front of me...?
Or that I would enter 18 months of trials of being broken and humbled from the inside out...?
I hate to say I'd be so weak to walk away from it.

I think there's another reason. Had this all been evident, I wouldn't have needed to say yes to this life.
Family, friends, and even strangers have been part of this summons. My Mother hurts to say goodbye for so long, and just wants to talk once in a while. My siblings, who may not be aware, have had to sacrifice, accepting my absence in the craziness surrounding their lives. My friends? I don't know... Maybe I'm missed?! I know I miss Tuesdays at Parkside Cafe with Mr Kyle and C Dub. I certainly miss Katie and Karen and mornings sipping coffee on the couch overlooking Main Street. The kiddos and families at St: Agnes... One more came, one more left. I don't understand God's timing-- why I was so clearly led there for a short time, only to leave. Ryan? Yep. I know. It's probably a bigger suffering for him in some ways than for me. He still lives in the same city, surrounded with reminders of the past 22 months...

What can I say? .
I don't learn very well by other people trying to teach me something clouded with their opinions and judgements. Probably because it sounds too much like myself. But God knows I needed to get some perspective on life from my own experience. I am learning to see with the eyes of my heart. I know I am supposed to be here. I have surety in that. All I can do is continue to ask for God's grace at the start of the day, to have the humility to ask for His mercy by the end, and to live this life with all I am.