Going Home Manometer Report!

By now, it's relatively well-known knowledge that I will be returning stateside in a matter of weeks. My 14 months in Thailand is coming to an end two weeks from today. My dream of being a missionary, of living overseas in another culture, is accomplished. My time in the "Kindergarten of Love" at Heart's Home Paul VI here in Bangkok is coming to a close.

My goodbye with Yaai Lek, a dear friend from the neighborhood. 

Living in Thailand has been one of the most beautiful, annoying, inspiring, and contradictory experiences of my life. I am in awe of the tradition, the reverence, the openness of life-- and at the same time find myself stupefied by some systems of Thai thought. These feelings are so intertwined with my experience of daily life and of friendships with the Thais, I find it impossible to separate most times.

Far from American efficiency.

Reverence to the Spirits

Now, my point here is not to articulate my experience of mission... As I'm preparing to move home, I am answering the common question "How are you?", which translates to other versions of "How does it feel to be going home? Are you ready? Are you so excited? Will you miss Thailand? Aren't you happy to go back home?"

I'd be lying to say I'm not happy to go home, but I'd also be lying to say I won't miss this community, this mission, this culture. It is no secret that my anticipation to return home is strongly tied to seeing a certain someone in Kansas City. ;)

Until a week ago, I was completely stoked-- only thinking of all the great things in America and feeling annoyed by anything from traffic to pollution to the stench on the streets-- all of the things I had noticed, but tried to accept with respect and openness to the Thai people and to this mission.

Yes, in Thailand, they sweep the grass and when it's hot-- you wear MORE, not less, clothing. 

Quality control lapse? Or...someone with a sense of humor for bad translations making a buck. 

Then-- I saw a picture of my boyfriend at dinner with his friends. And I didn't know he even knew some of those people! I realized: Wow, it has been TWO YEARS since I left Kansas City. Amanda had a baby. Linda is married. I was at Meg's wedding before I left, but never saw her married.  My sister finished college and is getting married in 2 months. My nephews are walking and talking. My youth group kiddos--some are finished with high school. Friends I never knew were dating are getting married, and my Mom has turned into a dancing queen!

Everyone has been living life where they are. Everyone of us in the last couple years has changed, has learned, has had opinions challenged--which is normal! But being gone so long, I'm a bit anxious about stepping back into my circles, into my own culture. I think I'll have to step gingerly at first...  I'm not sure how I will act-- what will be my posture in my homeland now that I've been gone? How will I see my own culture?

This realization has tainted my joy with a bit of trepidation... I never anticipated an experience of reverse culture shock for me. In my head, I'm not "able-to-be-shocked".  I started learning how to transition my mind and body to different cultures of "home" at the same time I started to read and write. I adapt. I make do, make things work.

Then, I realized in a conversation with a family member, as this person spoke, and I listened:
Uh... I have totally a different experience and way of looking at this matter. Maybe I always did, but now it's definitely clearer after this time of distance, looking at the bigger world around me.

The beautiful part of living abroad is learning about cultures, history, languages, customs, and basic systems that are unique! Living abroad allows one to encounter completely different worldviews-- and challenges one's own. I have been a student (and hope to always be a student)-- and when I come home, it will be a little different.

Traditional Etiquette is respected, even on the SkyTrain.

I have new opinions and new knowledge(new to me, maybe not to everyone else)-- about poverty, prayer, God, religion, reverence, government, politics, international relations, world history, fidelity, prostitution and child exploitation, child care, family roles and relationships, etiquette, how to cook food, and I even learned to speak more French while in Thailand!

Cool way to give your tithing to the temple!

Is it clear already or not what drinking alcohol means to Buddhists? ...Hmm... 

I cannot easily share, cannot easily speak in only a few words. It's quite honestly always been a struggle. Now in particular, how do I answer questions about my mission? What parts will I share? What parts will remain, marinating in my soul, taking years to digest?
...I don't know...

I'm posting this to all of you who will see me and talk to me as I come home-- I'm asking for a little patience and understanding with me-- for I know I need to offer the same (and if I don't, you have permission to smack me).